Old Already

It's easy to take things for granted. Back when I was 28, I smoked, drank like a fish, partied incessantly and felt invincible. Stayed out till 4am last night and had to get into work at 9am today? Not a problem 3 cups of coffee couldn't solve.  Twisted my ankle dancing in high heels? Oh, it'll heal in a few days, nothing to worry about. Back then I never worried about whether my body was "doing alright".

Fast forward ten years, it's an entirely different story now. Body aches if I stay out past 2am. There's truth in the saying that "old people wake up early", I automatically wake up at 7am now and can't go back to sleep. The last time I went clubbing, the club was empty at 11pm and I left at 12pm (or was it earlier) before a queue had even formed outside.

 
What will life at 48 be like for me? Hmm.
 

Get Up and Try Again

I went for a lovely funeral memorial service on Monday. A family member of a close friend has suddenly died, and my friend and her family were clearly shocked and distraught. The pastor at the service shared some verses from the bible which really touched me:

From Philippians 4:

⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! ⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Now, even though I believe in God, I have never actively pursued the faith. I do not know if I will return to church.

I did not expect that that these two verses from the bible would now bring me comfort. At 8dp5dt, I am faced with this "not pregnant" peestick and the realities of a failed IVF cycle after 8 months of pills, injections, 3 operations including the loss of a fallopian tube, not to mention the money and countless effort rushing from work meetings for the medical appointments (I can go on..).  

During the memorial service, the pastor also spoke about closure. He encouraged people in grief to always remember the good, happy things that they have.  

For me in this situation, I would also like to make that choice. To thank God for already giving me a beautiful daughter Izzy who is fast blossoming into the smartest, sweetest little girl. And to be grateful for the mere fact that I have the financial means, to go down this path of doing IVF.  It may be a bit cliché, but explicitly counting my blessings is a powerful antidote for me.
 
We have two frozen embryos left and I understand myself well know to know that I will not give up without another (or two) IVF attempts. Life goes on.

But first, I think a break from trying to conceive will be good for me. I need to recalibrate myself and plan ahead. I understand going in that, while I may ultimately succeed on my journey, there are going to be bumps – big ones – along the road. It really helps by knowing that, owning it, working through it when it happens, and remembering all the other things that are right in my world. 

IMHO Dr Google's Early BFPs are a Conspiracy

Ok I confess. I tested again yesterday at 6dp5dt. Needless to say, it was another BFN.

This time, in addition to googling "6dp5dt, any hope?", I took my ttc obsession to a new height. I called up my IVF clinic nurse and asked her for details of my successful IVF two years ago. Specifically, I asked her for transfer date, beta date and the HCG test result.

So I had my FET on 30th January 2014 and my bloodtest 11 days later on 10th February at 11dp5dt. The beta reading was 769. Doing the math, assuming it is true that HCG levels double everyday, this would mean my HCG levels on the following dpts would be as follows:

11dp5dt - 769
10dp5dt - 385
9dp5dt - 192
8dp5dt - 96
7dp5dt - 48
6dp5dt - 24

What this means that at 6dp5dt, there is no way that a HCG of 24 would have registered a BFP (WHEW). In fact, even at 7dp5dt, a HCG of 48 would not be picked up by Clearblue, which has a detection level of 50! In fact, I recall that during the last cycle, I had tested on the morning of 9dp5dt and gotten a stark BFN within the first ten minutes. I have a deep impression of this because I went for a long hard hour run, to vent my frustration, thinking I had failed the cycle. Imagine my shock when I returned later and saw that a second line had developed on the stick - it was a lot of worry (shucks what have I done) and exhilaration all rolled into one that day.

Which brings me to my point here. How can it be, that there are so many early BFPs on Dr Google? I don't mean just on 7dp5dt. I mean, there are so many women who register BFPs as early as 4dp5dt, 5dp5dt and 6dp5dt online! One website even has a poll result which shows that 70% of all women who are pregnant get positive pregnancy test results by 6dp5dt! 

In my humble opinion, there might be some pregnancy test makers trolling the internet posting these early pregnancy test BFPs. And clearly tormenting women like me who do not have super implanter embryos but are encouraged to start testing early because "everyone else is doing it". And of course, blowing large sums of money on buying home pregnancy test kits. It's a conspiracy maybe? Haha.

Anyway, I plan to test again tomorrow at 8dp5dt using the clearblue digital with conception indicator. The detection levels are as follows :

1-2 weeks = 25miu to 200miu
2-3 weeks = 201miu to 2000miu
3+ weeks = >2000miu

If it's yet another BFN, I'll have no more mathematical excuses.

On a happier note, I can console myself with one (or two) glasses of wine - it's Friday night afterall!

4dp5dt - BFN It's Early Yet, Still Hopeful

So the FET happened last Thursday and POAS addict I am (though it's been a while), I couldn't resist and broke out one of my clear blue HPTs today. So much for telling myself not to test too early and to wait for at least 6dp5dt so I don't get unnecessarily disappointed.

A stark white BFN!

No matter how hard I squinted or turned the stick towards the light - nada, no second line.

Here are my symptoms to-date:

0dp5dt - came home from the hospital with a dull tummyache. Was a bit constipated from the prog supps, thinking it's likely due to that. I ran to the toilet about 3 - 4 times but it doesn't seem to help ease the ache.

1dp5dt - More tummyache, or wait, could these be cramps? I'm one of those lucky ones who never ever get period cramps so I honestly cannot tell the difference between the two. Dr Google suggests cramps if it's lower down - hmm ok it's cramps then. Friday night so went to watch "Suicide Squad" with the hubs. Pretty violent show, not sure if it was good to put my precious embie (we only put in ONE) through it but I enjoyed the movie. Is it my imagination or did I have a sharp twinge on the left ovary area as we walked to the cinema?

2dp5dt - There was a bit of pink on the progesterone residue (sorry TMI) when I wiped this morning. Was thrilled to think it might be implantation bleeding, until the clinic nurse told me it was more likely irritation from all the prog supps I'm stuffing up myself. I sank from cloud ten pretty darn quickly there.

3dp5dt - No symptoms except for cramps again, especially before bed. Again, futile attempts to the toilet to relieve the ache. Hmm I really hate all the hormones I'm on. It was a happy Sunday though - we brought Izzy out to the Park and some indoor playground and she had a blast. I am reminded how lucky I am to have her - even if this fails and she's all I have, I'm darned blessed already.

4dp5dt - As mentioned, tested this morning and BFN. No more cramps, just feeling moody from hormones overload and had a fight with the Hubs over some finance matters. Feeling like a monster and he clearly doesn't understand that he should have just steered clear of these discussions during this period.

I know it's still a bit early in the game to test and I shouldn't read too much into the BFN now. But then, I see all those early BFPs people are getting online and I think :" Why not me?" This, plus all the discomfort from my raging hormones are really getting me down.

God Willing - For #2

Izzy's almost two years old now, and B and I have been talking about giving her a sibling. I come from a big family with 4 kids, so I genuinely believe that a sibling is the best gift that we as parents can give to Izzy. B is an only child, but despite his insistence that "no, he was not lonely",  we both agree that we want another child.

Izzy was our IVF miracle, and since early this year, we have been trying to do another frozen embryo transfer using the 3 "do-re-me" embryos leftover from Izzy's batch. Unfortunately,  when we started trying, the doctor diagnosed me with Asherman's syndrome. In a simple medical nutshell, I had adhesions in my womb as a result of the emergency D&C post Izzy's natural delivery, when the placenta got retained inside. The adhesions prevented my uterine lining from growing sufficiently thick to host any embryos.

I have gone for two hysteroscopy procedures since to clear the adhesions, and cancelled as many IVF cycles, due to insufficient lining thickness. Eight months of swallowing hormones later (I suffer from blue-pill-phobia), I am happy to announce that I have finally gotten the green light to do the embryo transfer tomorrow!

Woohoos aside, to be very honest, I still worry because my lining is only 7.4mm, which is barely over the minimum 7mm which my doctor needs to proceed with the transfer. For the past two weeks, I have tried everything Doctor Google tells me can help to boost lining growth: Acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, pork bone soups, even fertility yoga. I know I need to thank God that the lining did manage to grow over 7mm this time around (last 2 times I was stuck on 4.9mm and 5.5mm and had to cancel the cycles). But instead, I can't seem to get get past the "why cannot grow thicker" thought gnawing in my head - I am just a ball of nerves and anxiety now.

Perhaps it's because I've invested so much time and effort these past 8 months, that failure would really be a hard hit. Every  embryo transfer brings so much hope, and that PUPO - "Pregnant until proven otherwise" status just elevates me higher for a harder hit should I fall.

I need to just relax and leave it in His hands.

Wish me luck guys. Hopefully I'll bring good news on Izzy version 2 soon.

  

More than "Mom"

It’s a Monday afternoon in the office and I’m sitting at my desk reminiscing the weekend that’s past. That smile on my 17 month baby girl’s face when we torpedoed her around the pool. The big hug she gave me before I left home for work this morning. That “I just want to sit here and sniff your head for days” thought, as I gave her one last kiss.  

Yes I love being a mom. It’s back-breaking work but I love it.  In fact, we plan to have one more. Another little being I know I will lose sleep taking care of.  Another one I will strive to parent to the best of my ability and help to mould into a thoughtful, caring little person.  

But I’m not a mom.

Not just a mom, anyway.  I’m actually a lot more than that.

I have a day job that I’m good at. The job pays me well and most days I enjoy my career. Outside of work, I have a great group of friends who I hang out regularly with.  We go back a long way and although some of us are parents now, we still try to do irresponsible things often involving alcohol when we get together - it makes us feel young.

No, I don’t define myself as a mother.

I’m a person who has goals and dreams of my own beyond children and motherhood.

Izzy is a huge part of my life, but she’s not my life. When she’s 18 and has her own life set out before her with all its sparkling possibilities, I’ll be (gasp) 54 years old and I’ll still have my own career, friends and irresponsible moments.

I am lucky in that I have help with Izzy in the form of daycare, a domestic helper and her indulgent grandparents.  But like other mothers in society, I face the expectation to be “Mom” all the time.  Mothers are supposed to always be there for their children and understand what mumbling toddlers are saying.  “Mom” must not cringe when changing baby diapers and we must remember the colour of baby’s poop from last Tuesday.

I try but I really cannot make out what Izzy is saying most of the time. And with help, I only have poop duties once a week when the helper is on leave.  

Next weekend we are going to Hong Kong on a holiday and no we are not bringing Izzy. In fact, dare I admit that she still doesn’t have her passport.  I don’t blame people for asking though, because like I mentioned, there’s always going to be that expectation that “Mom”’ is there ALL. THE. TIME.

To be brutally honest, it would just be too difficult bringing a toddler out to champagne brunch or a Michelin-starred restaurant. 

I don’t like how it’s a bonus if men happen to be great dads.  On top of the expectation that men, regardless of whether or not they are fathers, are encouraged and expected to have ambitions of their own.

I guess the reason for this post is to reaffirm to myself that not making my life all about my child (hopefully children soon) will benefit them in the long run. They will have a well-rounded mother they can look up to as a role model and not only because I’m a good mom. They, in turn, will grow up as people who don’t feel pressured to define themselves in narrow terms.

We raise our daughters to be articulate and goal-oriented. We teach them they can be anything they want to be in life. But we sometimes don’t afford ourselves the same privilege.

We are women who happen to be moms, and so much more.