So the FET happened last Thursday and POAS addict I am (though it's been a while), I couldn't resist and broke out one of my clear blue HPTs today. So much for telling myself not to test too early and to wait for at least 6dp5dt so I don't get unnecessarily disappointed.
A stark white BFN!
No matter how hard I squinted or turned the stick towards the light - nada, no second line.
Here are my symptoms to-date:
0dp5dt - came home from the hospital with a dull tummyache. Was a bit constipated from the prog supps, thinking it's likely due to that. I ran to the toilet about 3 - 4 times but it doesn't seem to help ease the ache.
1dp5dt - More tummyache, or wait, could these be cramps? I'm one of those lucky ones who never ever get period cramps so I honestly cannot tell the difference between the two. Dr Google suggests cramps if it's lower down - hmm ok it's cramps then. Friday night so went to watch "Suicide Squad" with the hubs. Pretty violent show, not sure if it was good to put my precious embie (we only put in ONE) through it but I enjoyed the movie. Is it my imagination or did I have a sharp twinge on the left ovary area as we walked to the cinema?
2dp5dt - There was a bit of pink on the progesterone residue (sorry TMI) when I wiped this morning. Was thrilled to think it might be implantation bleeding, until the clinic nurse told me it was more likely irritation from all the prog supps I'm stuffing up myself. I sank from cloud ten pretty darn quickly there.
3dp5dt - No symptoms except for cramps again, especially before bed. Again, futile attempts to the toilet to relieve the ache. Hmm I really hate all the hormones I'm on. It was a happy Sunday though - we brought Izzy out to the Park and some indoor playground and she had a blast. I am reminded how lucky I am to have her - even if this fails and she's all I have, I'm darned blessed already.
4dp5dt - As mentioned, tested this morning and BFN. No more cramps, just feeling moody from hormones overload and had a fight with the Hubs over some finance matters. Feeling like a monster and he clearly doesn't understand that he should have just steered clear of these discussions during this period.
I know it's still a bit early in the game to test and I shouldn't read too much into the BFN now. But then, I see all those early BFPs people are getting online and I think :" Why not me?" This, plus all the discomfort from my raging hormones are really getting me down.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
God Willing - For #2
Izzy's almost two years old now, and B and I have been talking about giving her a sibling. I come from a big family with 4 kids, so I genuinely believe that a sibling is the best gift that we as parents can give to Izzy. B is an only child, but despite his insistence that "no, he was not lonely", we both agree that we want another child.
Izzy was our IVF miracle, and since early this year, we have been trying to do another frozen embryo transfer using the 3 "do-re-me" embryos leftover from Izzy's batch. Unfortunately, when we started trying, the doctor diagnosed me with Asherman's syndrome. In a simple medical nutshell, I had adhesions in my womb as a result of the emergency D&C post Izzy's natural delivery, when the placenta got retained inside. The adhesions prevented my uterine lining from growing sufficiently thick to host any embryos.
I have gone for two hysteroscopy procedures since to clear the adhesions, and cancelled as many IVF cycles, due to insufficient lining thickness. Eight months of swallowing hormones later (I suffer from blue-pill-phobia), I am happy to announce that I have finally gotten the green light to do the embryo transfer tomorrow!
Woohoos aside, to be very honest, I still worry because my lining is only 7.4mm, which is barely over the minimum 7mm which my doctor needs to proceed with the transfer. For the past two weeks, I have tried everything Doctor Google tells me can help to boost lining growth: Acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, pork bone soups, even fertility yoga. I know I need to thank God that the lining did manage to grow over 7mm this time around (last 2 times I was stuck on 4.9mm and 5.5mm and had to cancel the cycles). But instead, I can't seem to get get past the "why cannot grow thicker" thought gnawing in my head - I am just a ball of nerves and anxiety now.
Perhaps it's because I've invested so much time and effort these past 8 months, that failure would really be a hard hit. Every embryo transfer brings so much hope, and that PUPO - "Pregnant until proven otherwise" status just elevates me higher for a harder hit should I fall.
I need to just relax and leave it in His hands.
Wish me luck guys. Hopefully I'll bring good news on Izzy version 2 soon.
Izzy was our IVF miracle, and since early this year, we have been trying to do another frozen embryo transfer using the 3 "do-re-me" embryos leftover from Izzy's batch. Unfortunately, when we started trying, the doctor diagnosed me with Asherman's syndrome. In a simple medical nutshell, I had adhesions in my womb as a result of the emergency D&C post Izzy's natural delivery, when the placenta got retained inside. The adhesions prevented my uterine lining from growing sufficiently thick to host any embryos.
I have gone for two hysteroscopy procedures since to clear the adhesions, and cancelled as many IVF cycles, due to insufficient lining thickness. Eight months of swallowing hormones later (I suffer from blue-pill-phobia), I am happy to announce that I have finally gotten the green light to do the embryo transfer tomorrow!
Woohoos aside, to be very honest, I still worry because my lining is only 7.4mm, which is barely over the minimum 7mm which my doctor needs to proceed with the transfer. For the past two weeks, I have tried everything Doctor Google tells me can help to boost lining growth: Acupuncture, raspberry leaf tea, pork bone soups, even fertility yoga. I know I need to thank God that the lining did manage to grow over 7mm this time around (last 2 times I was stuck on 4.9mm and 5.5mm and had to cancel the cycles). But instead, I can't seem to get get past the "why cannot grow thicker" thought gnawing in my head - I am just a ball of nerves and anxiety now.
Perhaps it's because I've invested so much time and effort these past 8 months, that failure would really be a hard hit. Every embryo transfer brings so much hope, and that PUPO - "Pregnant until proven otherwise" status just elevates me higher for a harder hit should I fall.
I need to just relax and leave it in His hands.
Wish me luck guys. Hopefully I'll bring good news on Izzy version 2 soon.
Monday, March 28, 2016
More than "Mom"
It’s a Monday afternoon in the office and I’m sitting at my
desk reminiscing the weekend that’s past. That smile on my 17 month baby girl’s face when we torpedoed her around the pool. The big hug she gave me before I
left home for work this morning. That “I just want to sit here and sniff your head
for days” thought, as I gave her one last kiss.
Yes I love being a mom. It’s back-breaking work but I love
it. In fact, we plan to have one more.
Another little being I know I will lose sleep taking care of. Another one I will strive to parent to the
best of my ability and help to mould into a thoughtful, caring little person.
But I’m not a mom.
Not just a mom, anyway.
I’m actually a lot more than that.
I have a day job that I’m good at. The job pays me well and
most days I enjoy my career. Outside of work, I have a great group of friends
who I hang out regularly with. We go
back a long way and although some of us are parents now, we still try to do
irresponsible things often involving alcohol when we get together - it makes us
feel young.
No, I don’t define myself as a mother.
I’m a person who has goals and dreams of my own beyond
children and motherhood.
Izzy is a huge part of my life, but she’s not my life. When
she’s 18 and has her own life set out before her with all its sparkling
possibilities, I’ll be (gasp) 54 years old and I’ll still have my own career,
friends and irresponsible moments.
I am lucky in that I have help with Izzy in the form of
daycare, a domestic helper and her indulgent grandparents. But like other mothers in society, I face the
expectation to be “Mom” all the time. Mothers are supposed to always be there for
their children and understand what mumbling toddlers are saying. “Mom” must not cringe when changing baby
diapers and we must remember the colour of baby’s poop from last Tuesday.
I try but I really cannot make out what Izzy is saying most
of the time. And with help, I only have poop duties once a week when the helper
is on leave.
Next weekend we are going to Hong Kong on a holiday and no
we are not bringing Izzy. In fact, dare I admit that she still doesn’t have her
passport. I don’t blame people for
asking though, because like I mentioned, there’s always going to be that
expectation that “Mom”’ is there ALL. THE. TIME.
To be brutally honest, it would just be too difficult
bringing a toddler out to champagne brunch or a Michelin-starred restaurant.
I don’t like how it’s a bonus if men happen to be great
dads. On top of the expectation that
men, regardless of whether or not they are fathers, are encouraged and expected
to have ambitions of their own.
I guess the reason for this post is to reaffirm to myself that not making my life all about my child (hopefully children soon) will
benefit them in the long run. They will have a well-rounded mother they can
look up to as a role model and not only because I’m a good mom. They, in turn,
will grow up as people who don’t feel pressured to define themselves in narrow
terms.
We raise our daughters to be articulate and goal-oriented.
We teach them they can be anything they want to be in life. But we sometimes
don’t afford ourselves the same privilege.
We are women who happen to be moms, and so much more.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Milkmaid
"Enjoying motherhood so far?", people would ask. "Yes", I would reply, "But I feel like a cow".
I blame all the media for making breastfeeding look so easy. It's almost as if all babies already go through breastfeeding school in the womb and know exactly what to do. Two weeks after birth, my little Izzy still cannot and mostly refuse to latch. Trust me, when you have to force a wailing hungry baby to your breast everyday and to hear her cry because she cannot get to milk, you'd want to burst into tears yourself. Yesterday after a particularly upsetting episode of feed-her-not, I tearfully announced to B, "No more, I am exclusively pumping from now on". He just nodded, knowing full well I would likely still keep trying. (I am. Stay tuned for more updates.)
I also had trouble with milk production. I've read the reason is because of all the drugs used during the labour induction process. Together with the traumatic loss of blood and emergency uterine flush they had to perform on me (I thought I was gonna die), my milk glands went on strike. My colostrum only came in on day 4 or 5 after birth! In the end we had to feed Izzy formula first. Even after the colostrum, my milk supply was really pathetic.
Thankfully, I had advice from my sis in law and we got the lactation consultant to make a house visit. Since then, my supply has increased significantly, though I'm still working to stabilize it. They say the average baby consumes approximately 750ml of milk a day. So far I am up to about 600ml and increasing daily. Thank God.
I thought it might be useful to share some of the tips that really helped me.
1. Doppler tablets. These were prescribed by the paediatrician when I brought Izzy to see her on Day 5. The tablets are meant to kick start the milk production but not meant to be taken long term.
2. Pump frequently. My sis in law strongly advised me that since baby was not latching, I needed to follow the baby's feeding pattern and pump every 2-3 hours to stimulate more supply. Her target for me was 8 times a day but unfortunately I need at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep so 7 times is the most I've been able to do. 730am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 9pm and 11.30pm are the rough timings I try to pump everyday. Somedays it feels like I'm permanently attached to my medela freestyle!
3. Fenugreek. I just started taking this yesterday (Day 14 after birth) and today I noticed a significant increase in milk production. Good stuff.
4. Drink more water. The confinement lady feeds me soup at lunch, before dinner, at dinner and before bed, as well as plenty of red date tea throughout the day. It makes sense, I feel thirsty all the time - all the water from milk lost.
I guess the message I wanted to share with new mothers who encounter problems breastfeeding is : don't give up, all it takes is time and you have to invest effort. It's still a learning process for me, hopefully it gets easier!
I blame all the media for making breastfeeding look so easy. It's almost as if all babies already go through breastfeeding school in the womb and know exactly what to do. Two weeks after birth, my little Izzy still cannot and mostly refuse to latch. Trust me, when you have to force a wailing hungry baby to your breast everyday and to hear her cry because she cannot get to milk, you'd want to burst into tears yourself. Yesterday after a particularly upsetting episode of feed-her-not, I tearfully announced to B, "No more, I am exclusively pumping from now on". He just nodded, knowing full well I would likely still keep trying. (I am. Stay tuned for more updates.)
I also had trouble with milk production. I've read the reason is because of all the drugs used during the labour induction process. Together with the traumatic loss of blood and emergency uterine flush they had to perform on me (I thought I was gonna die), my milk glands went on strike. My colostrum only came in on day 4 or 5 after birth! In the end we had to feed Izzy formula first. Even after the colostrum, my milk supply was really pathetic.
Thankfully, I had advice from my sis in law and we got the lactation consultant to make a house visit. Since then, my supply has increased significantly, though I'm still working to stabilize it. They say the average baby consumes approximately 750ml of milk a day. So far I am up to about 600ml and increasing daily. Thank God.
I thought it might be useful to share some of the tips that really helped me.
1. Doppler tablets. These were prescribed by the paediatrician when I brought Izzy to see her on Day 5. The tablets are meant to kick start the milk production but not meant to be taken long term.
2. Pump frequently. My sis in law strongly advised me that since baby was not latching, I needed to follow the baby's feeding pattern and pump every 2-3 hours to stimulate more supply. Her target for me was 8 times a day but unfortunately I need at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep so 7 times is the most I've been able to do. 730am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 9pm and 11.30pm are the rough timings I try to pump everyday. Somedays it feels like I'm permanently attached to my medela freestyle!
3. Fenugreek. I just started taking this yesterday (Day 14 after birth) and today I noticed a significant increase in milk production. Good stuff.
4. Drink more water. The confinement lady feeds me soup at lunch, before dinner, at dinner and before bed, as well as plenty of red date tea throughout the day. It makes sense, I feel thirsty all the time - all the water from milk lost.
I guess the message I wanted to share with new mothers who encounter problems breastfeeding is : don't give up, all it takes is time and you have to invest effort. It's still a learning process for me, hopefully it gets easier!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Her Birth Story
1am - We check into the hospital and the nurse inserts the first pessary to help the cervix dilate. I have to lie there for 2 hours before I can get up to go pee and sleep.
6am - I am woken up again for electronic fetal monitoring. I can feel some mild contractions on the right side.
8.30am - Dr Loi arrives and checks that I am 2cm dilated. She stretches a bit more and bursts my water bag with a long stick-like apparatus. Eeiks I think, expecting pain but nah, it is just a warm gush when the water bag breaks.
10am - Since I am Strep-B positive they start me on the antibiotic drip. From here on I am confined to bed. Some lower back pain can be felt at this point.
11am - In comes the anaesthetist Dr Foo who starts me on the oxytocin hormone drip to kick start contractions. She also put in the epidural catheter. Now this is scary for me, as I've heard scary stories on how the injection to the back can go wrong. I am super tense but luckily local anaesthesia is first given to numb the area.
2pm - Dr Loi returns to check on me. "3 - 4cm dilated", she announces. What?! After so long I've only dilated that little? "How much longer, do you think?" I ask. "Another 6 - 7 hours" she replied. FAINT.
4pm - I feel restless from lying in bed and also slightly unwell. "Hungry.." I moan to the husband. And then, I vomited. Apparently some people get nausea from epidural; and I am one of them.
4.15pm - I say a little prayer to ask to speed things up.
6pm - Nurse examines me. He heard my prayer! I am almost fully dilated.
7.30pm - Dr Loi arrives and we start pushing. OMG. I have seen women giving birth on TV but I never expected pushing to be so difficult! Three counts of ten to push before I can rest during contractions, I can imagine it is almost like running a marathon.
8.30pm - A full hour of pushing and they can see a ten cent coin area of her head. "She has a lot of hair", Dr Loi says. "Push hard, let's get her out".
8.45pm - I am exhausted and Dr Loi decides to assist the delivery using a vacuum. She also explains that she will need to cut me. ARGH, just what I was worried about. But no matter, I agree - just get the baby out fast.
9.13pm - Isabelle arrives! They plonk her on my chest, all warm, slimy and squirming 3kg of her. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
6am - I am woken up again for electronic fetal monitoring. I can feel some mild contractions on the right side.
8.30am - Dr Loi arrives and checks that I am 2cm dilated. She stretches a bit more and bursts my water bag with a long stick-like apparatus. Eeiks I think, expecting pain but nah, it is just a warm gush when the water bag breaks.
10am - Since I am Strep-B positive they start me on the antibiotic drip. From here on I am confined to bed. Some lower back pain can be felt at this point.
11am - In comes the anaesthetist Dr Foo who starts me on the oxytocin hormone drip to kick start contractions. She also put in the epidural catheter. Now this is scary for me, as I've heard scary stories on how the injection to the back can go wrong. I am super tense but luckily local anaesthesia is first given to numb the area.
2pm - Dr Loi returns to check on me. "3 - 4cm dilated", she announces. What?! After so long I've only dilated that little? "How much longer, do you think?" I ask. "Another 6 - 7 hours" she replied. FAINT.
4pm - I feel restless from lying in bed and also slightly unwell. "Hungry.." I moan to the husband. And then, I vomited. Apparently some people get nausea from epidural; and I am one of them.
4.15pm - I say a little prayer to ask to speed things up.
6pm - Nurse examines me. He heard my prayer! I am almost fully dilated.
7.30pm - Dr Loi arrives and we start pushing. OMG. I have seen women giving birth on TV but I never expected pushing to be so difficult! Three counts of ten to push before I can rest during contractions, I can imagine it is almost like running a marathon.
8.30pm - A full hour of pushing and they can see a ten cent coin area of her head. "She has a lot of hair", Dr Loi says. "Push hard, let's get her out".
8.45pm - I am exhausted and Dr Loi decides to assist the delivery using a vacuum. She also explains that she will need to cut me. ARGH, just what I was worried about. But no matter, I agree - just get the baby out fast.
9.13pm - Isabelle arrives! They plonk her on my chest, all warm, slimy and squirming 3kg of her. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Letter to Izzy
Dear Isabelle,
Words cannot describe how excited I am to finally meet you, and how much I, along with everyone else in the family, love you already. Tomorrow night we go into the hospital and hopefully, it won't be too long before you are in my arms.
Will you look like me, or will you resemble daddy more? They say the first born tends to take after the father, so I hope you will be smart (just kidding). On a slightly more serious note, it both scares and thrills me (and daddy) that you will likely have both our stubbornness combined. Good luck to us when feeding you greens, and our sympathy to the men who will need to win you over when you are 35 and start dating.
Ouch, you just kicked me really hard in the ribs again. I was kidding! You can date when you turn 25.
Anyway, the truth is that along with my excitement, I am also a bit worried about the whole motherhood business. You know, I've always known I wanted you in my life. But now that you are almost here, it just seems more real than before, and I would lying if I said I was confident I will be a good mother. In many ways, I still feel very much like a (albeit very old) child myself. To have a tiny being totally reliant on me - wow that's a big step. Every parent tells me that nothing will prepare us for being a parent, I am reminding myself of that.
Please trust I will try my best. Learn the diapering ropes and build up my biceps rocking you to sleep. And even if I am never going to be supermum, I will be the best I can be - your protector, your biggest fan, and your bff (until you turn 7 years old, and decide you need cooler friends).
So looking forward to meeting you so we can start being a family and find our way.
Kiss you soon darling.
Love,
Mommy
Words cannot describe how excited I am to finally meet you, and how much I, along with everyone else in the family, love you already. Tomorrow night we go into the hospital and hopefully, it won't be too long before you are in my arms.
Will you look like me, or will you resemble daddy more? They say the first born tends to take after the father, so I hope you will be smart (just kidding). On a slightly more serious note, it both scares and thrills me (and daddy) that you will likely have both our stubbornness combined. Good luck to us when feeding you greens, and our sympathy to the men who will need to win you over when you are 35 and start dating.
Ouch, you just kicked me really hard in the ribs again. I was kidding! You can date when you turn 25.
Anyway, the truth is that along with my excitement, I am also a bit worried about the whole motherhood business. You know, I've always known I wanted you in my life. But now that you are almost here, it just seems more real than before, and I would lying if I said I was confident I will be a good mother. In many ways, I still feel very much like a (albeit very old) child myself. To have a tiny being totally reliant on me - wow that's a big step. Every parent tells me that nothing will prepare us for being a parent, I am reminding myself of that.
Please trust I will try my best. Learn the diapering ropes and build up my biceps rocking you to sleep. And even if I am never going to be supermum, I will be the best I can be - your protector, your biggest fan, and your bff (until you turn 7 years old, and decide you need cooler friends).
So looking forward to meeting you so we can start being a family and find our way.
Kiss you soon darling.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, October 2, 2014
The Game Plan
I had my 37w+5 appointment today and the baby measured 3.3kg. That sounded mighty big to me, considering that I've only put on about 8kg so far. Given my petite frame, I got a bit worried and couldn't help asking the doc if I could induce labour at 39 weeks.
Now I have done enough internet research to know that induction, unless for medical reasons such as gestational diabetes or reduced movement, is not encouraged. The ultimate concern is that if induction fails, an emergency C-section might be necessary.
But I had to explore my options.
The doctor started her assessment by checking my cervix and pronounced me 1 cm dilated and cervix "soft". What this meant is that induction would likely work, since my body was already gearing up for delivery.
Second, given that the baby would likely hit 3.5kg by 39 weeks, the doc felt comfortable that inducing a week before her EDD would not compromise her development.
Finally, since B was going to need to travel for work the first and third weeks of November, inducing her a week early would mean he will be around during the first few weeks of Izzy's birth - an important consideration as I will need all the support I can get.
So there and then, we decided to go into the hospital next Friday October 10th midnight to get induced. They will put in the first pessary to kick start the labour process.
It's funny how real this is becoming after we set a date to it - yes we are finally meeting her! More updates to come :)
Now I have done enough internet research to know that induction, unless for medical reasons such as gestational diabetes or reduced movement, is not encouraged. The ultimate concern is that if induction fails, an emergency C-section might be necessary.
But I had to explore my options.
The doctor started her assessment by checking my cervix and pronounced me 1 cm dilated and cervix "soft". What this meant is that induction would likely work, since my body was already gearing up for delivery.
Second, given that the baby would likely hit 3.5kg by 39 weeks, the doc felt comfortable that inducing a week before her EDD would not compromise her development.
Finally, since B was going to need to travel for work the first and third weeks of November, inducing her a week early would mean he will be around during the first few weeks of Izzy's birth - an important consideration as I will need all the support I can get.
So there and then, we decided to go into the hospital next Friday October 10th midnight to get induced. They will put in the first pessary to kick start the labour process.
It's funny how real this is becoming after we set a date to it - yes we are finally meeting her! More updates to come :)
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